Updated: Jan 4
As Buddha said: Relationships never die natural death, they are murdered by ego, attitude and ignorance.
Life is full of uncertainties and surprises, there are plenty of circumstances which come uninvited, out of nowhere and have a potential of bringing plenty of stress into our life. Also most of us operate highly unconscious under the influence of anger or greed.
Any relationship is bound to go through tough times and possibly more tough than good times sometimes. First there are these uninvited situations which are in no one's control and then the obvious part is 2 different people are involved both with different sets of needs and expectations.
Now whenever a clash of opinion happens there are a lot of things being said to each other. Most of the fights happened majorly because we reply out of reactiveness instead of active mindful reply. Due to this unawareness and reactiveness lots of things are said to each other in the heat of the moment, which can become a long term hurt to either person if dealt with misunderstanding.
For example something is said in the moment, we directly take it to our heart, feel badly hurt and let down. We feel our feelings and emotions have been betrayed, the other person didn't respect us appropriately as what we deserved and his/her response is not justified.
Resultant, instead of doing what is right, which is first of all calm down, see things rationally, let go of the buildup, solve the issue without anger, talk over it, give it a thought, understanding it's just a word, the other person is not well aware of what he is been doing and it doesn't define you or your love, that moment is just a passing away moment which have already passed away. We just get upset and not do any of the things which should be done.
We prefer to do things more and more under the influence of ego and ignorance. Find ourselves getting dragged towards the fence and end up making mistakes which can affect not our future, but the most important thing which is our relationship and our present. This is mainly because we see the situation from our own point of view which is already compromised and paralysed by the moment.
Instead of looking at it from the higher viewpoint which requires bigger understanding, requires seeing where the other person is coming from, why he did what he did, why anything or everything said to us hurts us so badly, why we want to control everything around us plus why we can't change our attention seeking attitude. This applies to both parties. Learn more about forgiveness, click here.
Rational and calm thinking will promote seeing the moment just as a temporary moment, possibly an outcome of the build up anger. Possibly an outcome of disappointment which must have happened making the other person behave like this, there could be millions of reasons. So let's find the reason first and then come to a conclusion, rather than coming straight on conclusion or leaving or running away.
Our ego always makes us demand lots of attention, any individual's need for attention is way higher then he recognizes or thinks. We feel we have been betrayed and not given enough priority. In reality until you learn to let go, there is no other way to satisfy the ego, our demand for attention will always be supreme. Because attention makes us feel good and important, which is the most crucial reason for all the wrong doings we do and this in turn completely blinds us. Learn more about how to let go, click here.
But in all this we just simply forget, what is more important, is it our feelings and cravings of being treated and boasted as important people or is the relationship of love and care, which you have with the other person for your whole life. If attention is more important than forgiveness and moving forward, then you have already made up your mind and you might end up in a fight or argument or even separation from the person you loved. But if you have chosen love, then you will really sit down, talk calmly over the matter and understand why it happened, what happened and is there a way to get over it and if not then what is the best way to move forward with the situation in hand. Learn how to make the right choice in your life, click here.
How to maintain a Healthy Relationship:
1. Letting Go. Make letting go the first and most important priority of life, no one has the power to disturb you, only the weak heart who is not well trained can do that to themselves. Lets train the mind to let go first and find that internal peace which is missing. For any long term relationship letting go and calmness should be the first priority for treating any and every situation in hand.
2. Getting Carried away by emotions: Heavy emotional influx takes us deep towards irrational reactiveness. Reactiveness which makes everyone's life miserable and heavy on dramas. A mindful mind is all that is required, which is fully aware and which can handle this influx very intelligently and stop all the lingering troubles ahead of us. We need to train our mind into mindfulness, only then the reactiveness will change into right communication. Learn more so we can stop being carried away by these emotions, click here.
3. Awareness and compassion: We all, no matter which ethnicity, we are in an auto-thinking mode, no matter what we do, our thoughts are just switched- on, we are almost never aware of our surroundings, people around us and surprisingly not even aware of our thoughts. In all, we are not present now, which makes us just very reactive to everything and this is not just the case with you, it's the same thing happening with other people involved.
This mind chatter, voices and thoughts are the main reason we are not aware and not been able to make a cool composed decision. Learn about meditation, quiet down the chatter, come to senses, be more mindful and aware hence take the right decision. Learn how the mind is like a committee of members, click here.
Many of us are not fully aware, we always act with a mind which is full of thoughts and emotions, making our judgement of right and wrong thrown out of the window specially when we are angry or greedy. Whatever has hurted you, there is a high possibility that another person who said or did it was also unaware and is reacting under the influence of anger or greed. Like us, everyone makes mistakes because we are not aware of what we are doing or have knowledge of how our actions will affect the other person.
If we just understand that the other person can't always act in the way which pleases us plus everyone makes mistakes then forgiveness will really become easier and communication more effective. A healthy relationship becomes really strong with bricks of awareness and compassion.
4: Communication: Whenever there is a fight, both sides go quiet and the atmosphere goes very tense, heavy and full of negative energy. Communication plays a very important and crucial part in breaking this bad energy, so take your time, come out of emotional choke and talk to each other. But this should happen with calmness, compassion and awareness, not angry. Both sides need to bring higher awareness and open mind to the table. Discuss what happened and then find ways of how to mend it and move forward.
Calm Mind Power.
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